I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
