I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
