im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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