I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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