woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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