Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sext me about skeletons
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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