Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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