Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
