OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
