oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
