I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
whose parrot is this?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
