I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Farmville is her only friend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
