I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
