You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
