Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
