I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
