I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
