I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
