you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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