1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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