Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
