this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
