Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
