Only a mothe r could love this liver
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
