who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You ruined the universe
Randomize
