My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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