3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
