you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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