Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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