you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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