I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
