roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
