I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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