I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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