I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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