We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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