after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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