you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
