This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
