I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
