No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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