I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
