I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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