mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
