I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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