You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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