Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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