I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
