I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
