You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
