turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
